On my heart today.

When I sat down to write this post, I really didn’t know that this is what it would turn into. However, the process was therapeutic in a way I wasn’t expecting, and after a good deal of internal debate, I have decided that I will go ahead and share it.

I guess you could say that the following is an “open letter” of sorts. It is written to a dear one who is currently at the top of my daily prayer list.

When you love someone the way I love you, it’s impossible to not be affected by their life choices; impossible to not feel pain as you watch them travel down a road that will bring so much sorrow.

It’s hard to keep from asking myself, “if I had done this or that differently, could this have been prevented?” Because I know the answer.

But if you would let me sit down with you, and have a heart-to-heart like we sometimes used to, there are a few things I would like to share.

I will always have your back. While I’m not happy about a lot of your choices these days, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t drop everything or get out of bed in the middle of the night to be there for you. I want you to succeed, and I will always support your efforts. You’re going to go places, kid. And  I hope you let me come along.

I love you. That will never change. Even when it may seem like I don’t, because it’s not always the kind of love you’re looking for. But I do. My heart aches when I see you where you are, and if I could move these mountains for you, I would.

Because you were/are worth it. I think this might be where you start having trouble believing me, but it’s true. You are beautiful, intelligent, and funny in ways that I could only hope to be. You have such a special, big, loving heart, and you always reach out to those ones who are isolated and lost; showing love and caring in that way that only you can. Probably because you feel like you’ve been there too.

But even if you didn’t have all of these amazing things going for you, you would still be worth it. Your life has meaning, sweetheart. Don’t discount or throw away the amazing calling that God has placed on your life.

You’re worth it. Do know why? He created you. He formed every part, added every quirk and gifting, and made something so so so beautiful. He knows you. Every little thing. Where you’ve been, where you are, and where you will be. And He wants to be allowed to influence that future. Because, dear one- He paid the price for it. He looked into the future, saw your sweet hungry eyes longing for love and acceptance and worth, and He gave it. He sacrificed everything to provide the love and acceptance and worth that you’re seeking for in the wrong places; the places that will never fully satisfy.

There’s more I could say. There’s always more. But for today I’m going to let this be enough.

I hope you can hear my heart… and I hope you can hear His.

I love you, Sunshine.

Sisters.

Merry Christmas!

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From me and mine, to you and yours… Merry Christmas 🙂

May this season be blessed as you celebrate the Saviour, and enjoy the closeness of family and friends. Praying for moments of peace and joy in the midst of the hustle and bustle!

As for me, I’m on my way home for Christmas. This train is doing its best to rock me to sleep, but the Christmas lights passing by my window, and the excitement of seeing my family on the other end are keeping me wide awake 🙂

Be blessed, friends!

‘Tis the Season…

I love Christmas.

I love everything about it: the music, the lights, decorations, goodies, giving gifts, seeing friends and family, and celebrating the birth of our Saviour.

But then it got stressful.

I don’t know how or why, but this week has taken Christmas from pure enjoyment, to plain craziness, and I hate that feeling.

There are two more Christmas parades to participate in for work. The last two… out of six. Thank God that after this weekend I won’t have to worry about those! As much fun as they are, those are weekday evenings and weekend mornings/afternoons that are leaving me running around, instead of catching my breath.

The list of church commitments is growing. It’s normal for me to be a part of our instrumental ensemble each year, but this year I’m also involved in the vocal ensemble. And as a Sunday School teacher, my class has to prepare a presentation. So there are practices, and performances, and nursing home visits. All good stuff, but right now… it’s just adding.

And the shopping. I love giving gifts- it’s one of my favourite parts of Christmas. And this year, I was all about being pro-active; planning ahead, starting early, and buying a lot online. But now, one of the things I was most excited about, the gift that my sister and I were planning to give our younger siblings, has fallen through. Not only is that fairly disappointing, but we’re left scrambling at the last minute.

Then there’s the family. My dad was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday evening after having a minor (very minor) stroke. It’s nothing super serious at this point, just a wake-up call for his doctors that they need to re-evaluate the medications he’s on for managing some other health issues. But of course, it adds stress and worry.

I hate that the season feels this way for me right now.

But then last night I led the time of worship for our small group. And at the end, as I was praying to close, I was so humbled again by the thought of Jesus coming to earth in such a lowly way. He was the epitome of humility, and yet He was the Son of God, who would rend the veil and allow us communion with our God and Saviour. That’s what I want Christmas to be about for me. I don’t want to complain, I don’t want to stress… I just want to revel in the glory and mercy of God.

Easier said than done, yes. However, that’s the meditation that I want to fill my heart.

Not how stressful the season is.

But that HE is.

Silence.

I rushed out the back door of my building and headed towards my car.

Another morning spent hurriedly preparing for the day.

I got in, tossed my bags onto the passenger seat, and turned the key into the ignition. After shifting my car into gear, I reached to turn on the radio.

News? Or Christmas music? Definitely the music.

But before my finger made contact with the power button, my hand stilled.

Just be still. For these all-too-short minutes, listen to the One who covets your heart.

And so I did.

Those next fifteen minutes, I allowed myself to rest in communion and prayer as I headed towards my busy day.

Then at the end of the day, when I was ready to head home, it stayed quiet.

And He spoke to my heart. I was encouraged, and strengthened, and reminded of how He is working in my life to bring honour and glory to His name.

I don’t think the radio has been on since.

🙂

In whatsoever state I am…

I told someone the other day that I am perfectly content for my life to be where it is right now.

Afterwards I wondered. Am I? Really truly?

Certainly, I think that would be true in the overall big-picture. I love my job, I love where I live, and I have a comfortable schedule with too much time to myself.

I know where I fit.

But in light of the area of my life that this person was pointing at, am I content? Or am I hiding?

Would I actually be ready for the change if it knocked on my door tomorrow?

Learning Curve.

I really thought this blogging thing would be easier.

I thought that without the pressure of being known, I could be real.

But for some reason, I’m still hitting against that same brick wall, the one that has held me captive inside myself for pretty much my whole life.

So I begin to write, I get frustrated, and I give up; telling myself I’ll come back to it later and make it work.

But I just can’t seem to find my voice.

I’m not quite sure why.

Sometimes I feel things so, so, so deeply. And then other times, I know there should be an impact but it seems like there’s not even a blip on the radar.

I really don’t know why.

I’m someone who needs things to have a happy ending, to leave off on a positive note. Maybe that’s part of the issue? I can’t open myself up and be real without “fixing myself” by the end of it.

So for today, I’m not going to “fix it.”

I can’t find my voice.

I’m not always open to feeling the move of the Holy Spirit.

And today, I can’t fix those things on my own.

Lord, I need Your help. If you want me to speak for You, to have an influence for You, then it has to be through Your strength. Father, I need Your grace to step back and allow You to work through my failures. I need Your peace when I admit that I can’t do it on my own, that I’m not perfect, and that there are still so many messes in my life. Lord, help me to understand that You love me here in the place that I am in, that Your love isn’t waiting for me to become perfect.

#SheReadsTruth

For quite a while, I’ve been aware of  She Reads Truth. I’ve seen the Instagrams, the hashtags, and I’ve heard how it has been an encouragement in the community. But, until recently, I hadn’t gotten on board.

What a blessing it is!

Every time it pops up in my inbox, it’s like God is using the heart of these women to speak directly to my spirit.

It’s so refreshing, and I feel like I’m being fed.

If you’re not signed up already, go do it. Now.

I know that you’ll be as blessed as I am 🙂

 

P.S. – for some reason, my hyperlinks aren’t working in this post. So sorry!