It’s (not) all about me.

I had written a post on some of these thoughts already, that was waiting in my drafts before I hit publish. And then Davi said it so much better, and I got to thinking about it again.

It should be such an easy thing. We know that it’s worth it to seek the Kingdom of God first. We know what is and what isn’t important in light of eternity.

And yet, I don’t know about you… but I so often find myself choosing the lesser. The now. The easy, the “me,” the one that satisfies my flesh.

Instead of saying no. Instead of pursuing something higher. Instead of setting myself apart, putting my foot down, and choosing eternal things.

I choose 90 minutes of Hollywood. I spend money on things that I think will make me into the version of myself that I think I want to be. I worry that the sweater I lent to my sister will come back with a hole in it. I agonize over things I can’t change. I set my desires on things that I’m not even convinced God wants for me.

I wonder how that must look and feel to our Heavenly Father. Humor me, will you?

He’s sitting on His throne, surrounded by storehouses full of good gifts. There are so many that they’re spilling out- they’re everywhere. (But in an orderly way, of course. He’s not a God of disorder or chaos, we all know that.)

And He sees me. He smiles, and says, “Child. I love you.” And He reaches down and picks up this gift of peace. His smile widens, and He holds it out. This is exactly what she needs. 

And there I am. My back is turned, my head is in my hands, and I’m worrying over something that’s too big for me to carry. Something that He already has the solution to, it’s just not the right time to hand me that answer. That gift. I choose the worry.

Here’s another one. I’m exhausted. It’s been a long day, and tomorrow and the next day are going to be even longer, busier, and more stressful. I’m worn out, and I’m empty.

And He sees me. He smiles, and says, “Child. I love you. Come sit here next to Me, and let me minister to your soul. Let My love, and My presence wash over you and restore you. Tomorrow isn’t going to be that bad, let Me tell you why.” And He pats His knee, the way you would to coax a little child to come and sit on your lap.

Instead, my exhausted self sits on the couch to catch up on the TV shows I’ve missed; wanting to block out the stress of the day past and the ones to come. And when the screen is quiet an hour or two later, the stress and the worry are still there. If anything, they’re more overwhelming. And His countenance, as He watches me, is sad.

One more and I’ll wrap this up, I promise.

I’m restless. My life isn’t what I expected it would be at this point, and I’m looking for fulfillment. He gets a sparkle in His eye, and He tries to catch my attention. “Daughter, I have an idea. Remember how I’ve provided you with an income that more than supplies for your needs? I mean, you’re not always the wisest with it, but I know you try, and I’ve seen improvements lately. Except for ______. You probably shouldn’t have bought that with My money. But I digress (because I’m God, and I’m allowed). Child, look. Do you see that need?” And He gently turns my head to look upon the face of another one that He loves so much. “I could open up all of Heaven, and shower down gifts upon them, but I have another idea. What if we surprised them by having you meet their need? Wouldn’t that be great?! They’ll be so blessed, and just think of how you’ll feel when you use My money that I’ve given you to help them. And look- here’s a special gift of joy that you’ll receive in return if you help Me with this project. Daughter?”

Instead of having my heart tuned to the voice of my Heavenly Father, my mind wanders. If I purchase this, or look like that, and have this gadget… then I’ll be who I think I want to be. If I fit this particular societal mold for someone of my age and position, surely then I’ll be fulfilled. (Conforming to this world, anyone?) And I pass up this incredible opportunity to be a co-conspirator with the God of the Universe in blessing someone we both care about, choosing instead to find my own way to fulfillment.

I don’t want to ignore His gifts any longer.

I know it’s not going to happen over night, but I’m planting my stake in the ground right here. I’m making this an open declaration, to make myself accountable. I’m probably going to continue to hear the Holy Spirit whisper an “oops.” to my spirit as I make mistakes, and that’s ok. He doesn’t demand that we get it perfectly right on the first try. He made me. He knows my shortcomings, and He’s willing to work with me on them. And I know that as I make choices to course-correct in these areas, a lot of other things are going to fall into place. Because, Matthew 6:33 people. That’s the bottom line here.

It’s not about me. It’s about my eternity.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. ~Matthew 6:33

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