I really thought this blogging thing would be easier.
I thought that without the pressure of being known, I could be real.
But for some reason, I’m still hitting against that same brick wall, the one that has held me captive inside myself for pretty much my whole life.
So I begin to write, I get frustrated, and I give up; telling myself I’ll come back to it later and make it work.
But I just can’t seem to find my voice.
I’m not quite sure why.
Sometimes I feel things so, so, so deeply. And then other times, I know there should be an impact but it seems like there’s not even a blip on the radar.
I really don’t know why.
I’m someone who needs things to have a happy ending, to leave off on a positive note. Maybe that’s part of the issue? I can’t open myself up and be real without “fixing myself” by the end of it.
So for today, I’m not going to “fix it.”
I can’t find my voice.
I’m not always open to feeling the move of the Holy Spirit.
And today, I can’t fix those things on my own.
Lord, I need Your help. If you want me to speak for You, to have an influence for You, then it has to be through Your strength. Father, I need Your grace to step back and allow You to work through my failures. I need Your peace when I admit that I can’t do it on my own, that I’m not perfect, and that there are still so many messes in my life. Lord, help me to understand that You love me here in the place that I am in, that Your love isn’t waiting for me to become perfect.